Recently completing our 10 year anniversary of the inaugural Death Trip a couple weeks ago, we started reminiscing about previous trips. A common theme of unfortunate mishaps have come to the forefront having to do with our food preparation and cooking skills (or lack there of). Being the oldest and the founder of the Death Trips, I am the primary chef on these trips with my #1 backup, Drew. Now, we are no slouches around the campfire when it comes to cooking, but when quantity takes precedence over quality, with up to 8 guys eating, we have had our share of “learning experiences”. Over the past 10 years, we have learned:
Pack and Use Proper Cooking Utensils -
The goal was to cook an easy, filling meal for 5 guys. This shouldn’t be a big deal. We had 3 family sized cans of baked beans and a pack of hotdog’s. With no one that enjoys doing dishes, we decided to make one large pot of bean/dog mixture. Pretty standard. However, it wasn’t until after having all the beans and dogs in the pot that we realized we did not have a cooking utensil long enough to stir it all the way to the bottom. We searched, found, and used the first thing that would “work” . . . a fillet knife sitting on the picnic table. Needless to say, a fillet knife is not the weapon of choice to properly stir beans or anything that is soft. By the time the meal was heated properly it was hotdog and bean slurry. It tasted fine, but with 5 guys eating 3 family sized cans of beans that were already half way digested and then sleeping in 1 tent, there were issues.
Always Guard the Soap -
Let’s face it, camp cooking is rarely “sanitary”, but the small bottle of anti-bacterial dish soap is our best defense and quickest way to wash up at camp. One year, Dan made the mistake of bringing his new sling shot on the trip. Russ, who no longer attends our trips by popular demand, loved this sling shot. While all of us worked, he worked on his aim by shooting irregular shaped stones through the campsite. We would hear them whiz through the air and bounce off the large pine trees, all the while hoping they did not hit us or the gear. Russ was far from a marksman, especially with the ammunition he had chosen, so when he said “Watch me bust the top off that soap bottle!” from the other side of the campsite, we got out of the way and figured we’d have a good laugh. To our amazement, and later bitterness, he actually did it. He hit the top and broke the lid right off. As I recall, the rest of the week we had to wash our fish fillets, veggies, etc. in highly concentrated liquid dish soap as it continually found a way to fall into whatever we were washing. One thing that can quickly ruin a fish fry of freshly caught yellow perch is lemon scented dish soap. Thanks Russ!
Proper Preparation of a Parking Lot Feast -
Being a large group of young, hungry guys, we rarely planned week long trips or even day trips thoroughly enough to remember everything we needed. On a day trip to the small trout lake, discussed in other entries, we headed back to the cars for some lunch. We were all very hungry from a long morning of paddling, which came back to haunt us the rest of the meal. In our hunger induced hast, we decided to grill the large party pack of bratwurst’s we had in the cooler. The list of things we forgot ranged from a stove and pot to boil them in to planning ahead enough to make sure the brats were thawed. Since it was dry we did not want to start a fire in the woods without a proper fire ring and since we did not want to make a proper fire ring, we started a fire on the asphalt parking lot. Again, being hungry, we did not let the coals burn down very far before we propped the grill onto three rocks on the outside of the fire, then immediately threw the 15 brats onto the grill figuring the flames would quickly defrost them. With the asphalt induced flames engulfing our frozen brats, we quickly had totally black links of meat that split open revealing their frozen pink insides. Brats will forever be now called blood links in honor of our stupidity.
How to Make Low Grade Carpenters Glue -
On an early Death Trip that spanned roughly 3 weeks with two groups that overlapped a few days lead to two incidents. After a long day of musky fishing, we came back to camp for a large pasta feast of spaghetti and canned sauce. The second half of our group was going to arrive that night and we were certain they would be hungry by the time the arrived so we planned to make enough for them as well. I boiled several pounds of noodles and thoroughly heated a few jars of sauce for meal. It was great. The 4 of us that were there at the time had a royal feast that was very tasty. However, the rest of the group was not there yet, but had called and were only a little ways out. We decided to leave the noodles in the water to stay hot for the other guys. I do not recommend this. By the time they arrived the large kettle of noodles and water was now a large kettle of a disgusting glob of gluey noodles. Not only was the food bad, but the glue it had created was a nightmare to clean. Luckily, being the chef, I am exempt from dish duty. Sorry guys!
Patience is a Virtue -
During the later days of the same trip discussed in the above, Dan was cooking blood links (brats) for himself, Garrett, and Russ. Garrett and Russ, at this point in their lives, had insatiable appetites, so it doesn’t need to be explained that they were always hungry. With Dan being a seasoned camping veteran, he realized that any type of meat that has been in a cooler for several days, especially pork, needs to be cooked thoroughly before eating. To speed up the cooking process though, Dan decided not to boil the brats ahead of time and put the right on the fire. Despite several warnings, the tape worms in Garrett and Russ’s stomachs won out and they downed their brats a few minutes before Dan. During the night, both Garrett and Russ were abruptly awoken and had to leave the tent because their brats were leaving them. Russ was even a rookie at puking and had to ask Dan and Garrett how! Luckily, they made it out of the tent, but the morning light revealed just how far.
Always Read the Label -
On early versions of the annual northern retreat, grocery shopping was a way to calm the nerves of excitement a couple days before we left. The entire group would pile into the vehicles and head to the cheapest grocery store within a 25 mile radius. Bulk and price were key, so we always looked for the cheapest, largest containers of food. With a large group and little cooler space, canned veggies were the bulk of the vegetable intake for the week. Peas, corn, green beans, etc. were the top choices with several cans of each. On this particular trip, our patience of shopping was wearing thin. We had nearly completed the list except for the canned veggies. As we hastily hit the canned food isle, we loaded the various varieties into the cart. It wasn’t until the last day of the trip that we realized our error. While cooking the final meal to finish all of the food we had purchased, we came to realize that the 4 cans of sweet corn we actually 4 cans of generic creamed corn. Not wanting to waste the food (since we had opened them already), we heated them and tried to stomach the gooey mess. Garrett was the only man with the stomach down them. We all watched and had a good chuckle as he poured bite after bite, and eventually drank the remainder of the creamed corn nightmare. With chipmunk cheeks filled with the goo and residue of the last bite running down the corners of his mouth, we did our part by trying to make him laugh and empty those cheeks. Thanks for helping the team Garrett!
To read more entertaining and humorous stories of our fishing and camping adventures, please visit http://www.holzcanoepaddles.com/potboilers.htm
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